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The Paparazzi Survival Guide
by The-Lisa

Damn the paparazzi! You're just trying to live your life as the next big thing, but these obnoxious photographers swarm in every time you stop for a soda or go out to walk the dog. If you're a soon-to-be celeb, check this list for tips on how other famous faces are handling the cameras. If you're not exactly craving celebrity status, some of the suggestions might come in handy the next time a photo-blogging friend won't let up with the digital camera. (Does the Internet really need a photo of you in line for the bathroom?)

Get a Camera of Your Own
Please, don't do it to be cute – «Oh, look, I’m taking your picture, too!» – because we all know the tabloids don't care about your pics of some random photographer. But this way, if someone is full-on harassing you, you'll have proof of what went down. Gwyneth Paltrow reportedly keeps a detailed log of all her interactions with the paparazzi. She photographs their cars and writes down the license plate numbers so she'll have the info handy if things get out of control.

Take Their Camera Away
This one seems a little sketchy legally, but when Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz had an altercation with some photographers, Cameron grabbed one of their cameras and took it with her. She claimed she was collecting evidence, and later turned it over to police. If a non-celebrity tried this, it would probably look less like “collecting evidence” and more like “stealing an expensive camera,” so this one's probably not your best bet.

Get Out of the Picture
The driver's ed stuff about stopping at red lights? Forget all about it if you're being chased by crazed photographers. At least if you get in an accident, you can totally blame them for that dent in your fender, no matter who was really at fault. I mean, who's the American public going to believe, a pretty young star or the crazy paparazzo hounding her for a photo? Lindsay and Scarlett have this plan down.

Have Large Friends
If necessary, a big, tough pal could accidentally bump into a photographer or step on his fancy camera, giving you plenty of time to duck out of sight. “Somebody” fired a pellet gun at paparazzi photographers during Britney Spears' baby shower, but police were unable to determine who fired the shot, so no charges were filed.

Don't Go to Disney World
The happiest place on earth turns scary when someone's stalking you with a camera. One guy was so desperate to get a photo of Reese Witherspoon and her family at the California Adventure park that he allegedly assaulted two Disney employees who were in the way. And Scarlett Johansson was in the Disney parking lot when she swerved to avoid a bunch of paparazzi SUVs and accidentally hit another car. The only possible lesson we can draw from this: if you sense that someone's following you, avoid theme parks altogether.

Annoy Them
No matter what the photographers say or how much they provoke you, if you get physical, you'll probably get arrested. Swarmed by paparazzi in his native Australia, Heath Ledger says his solution is throwing eggs near them. He doesn't want to hit anyone head on and provoke a lawsuit, but he likes the idea of splattering raw egg in their general direction. This sounds like it could get messy, and not just because of all the eggy goo. If you screw up and hit someone directly, that photographer will probably have a bunch of high-res images of you in egg-hurling action. Instead of getting angry, you could take a deep breath and…

Befriend Them
If throwing punches (or eggs) isn't your style, go with the Paris Hilton school of thought. Dress like a fashion superstar whenever you leave the house, and flirt with the flash bulbs every chance you get. Since Paris is mostly famous for being famous, she and the paparazzi need each other. Instead of getting pissed when they show up, she poses, calling out affectionate nicknames to the photographers she recognizes. Give up on going incognito, and act like a carefree millionaire. So what if your photo shows up in the tabloids or on some stranger's blog. Choke back the angry insults, and smile big. The bright flashes will make your teeth extra sparkly.

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